My naturopath says I have to quit dairy (and other sentences I never thought I’d write).

She emails me some helpful links. One is a recipe for buckwheat pancakes that she assures me are super simple. One is for a foodie couple’s blog where one half of the couple is called Lentil. One isn’t a link at all, just the words Jamie Oliver. And one is a recipe for dhal which (ok, fine!) actually looks pretty good.

I buy some vegan chocolate which tastes alright. I tell anyone who’ll listen about my newfound dietary requirements. I google is hummus vegan? while stood in the aisles of a supermarket. I consider the recipes. I order soy. I dream of butter.

Whilst struggling through my first cafe menu I hear the lady at the table next to me say, If I get this braised lamb ciabatta without the feta, is it dairy free? She sounds faintly smug – like she’s discovered the secret of eternal life but she’s not going to share it.

Oh no, I think. I sound like that now, too.

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A version of this post was sent by email on the 24th February 2018 as part of Internet Care Package.

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